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Jokes corner

manfredKlein
Member

Humor up your life. My brain was able to store lots of jokes. Somehow most is lost now in the late 40ies. If you have brain like strainer you have to write down. Ok, lets do this...

 

... asked my daughter to hand me the newspaper. She scolded me being old fashioned and handed me her smart phone. Ok. The fly is dead now...

49 REPLIES 49

manfredKlein
Member

Dogs have masters/mistresses, cats have servants.

I always heard this as "cats have minions".  🙂

A cat with the name Gru?

An SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks: "Can I join you?" 🤓

You must be part of the Union.

Bathroom is locked to prevent unauthorized access. You have to ask the bartender for the proper foreign key. Otherwise you can't flush your contents.

If you are not commited you can roll back to the entrance.

matt
Member

From Terry Pratchett.
The wizard Humptulip's book (Howe To Kille Insects) is a valuable tool and reference when killing insects, especially since it has 2000 pages.

PTerry is just love.
Always.

matt
Member

Authorisation failure?

That Sapalling.

abo
Member

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

(Shamelessly stolen from a tweet)

engineer: The glass is 100% oversized. (also stolen somewhere)

Manager asks water : Can you stretch a little to fill the glass completely, so we can mark as 100% billable utilization.

Matrix: 'Don't try to bend the glass. That's impossible.' 'Why?' 'Because the glass doesn't exist.'

manfredKlein
Member

My boss forbade me giving my colleagues nicknames. Obviously §$%&-face, ($"§/&-bag and ?=/&$-mass objected.

mcrapo
Member

I met someone at a function last night, I asked for their number so I could call them.   They told me it was classified.

https://blogs.sap.com/2016/12/14/an-in-memory-database-by-any-other-name-would-be-as-fast/

Yes, I will keep stubbornly posting this until it gets a laugh 😄

I smiled...

Thank you! That's much appreciated 🙂

Agree - nice way to start my morning with a smile too! Keep them coming!

manfredKlein
Member

'Hey! Smoking Dope makes you indifferent!' - ' Bah! I don't care!'

manfredKlein
Member

Real life is the best comedy. Our system refuses to send mails with noreply@mycompany.com. Proposed solution is to create a mail account with noreply@mycompany.com, seriously???

 

'Hi, where do You come from?' - 'I'm from Potempkin town.'

😄😄  My favorite still has to be and always is.   Busy....  Please take a coffee break.  (Or something similar.  An older version of SAP)

The mark of insanity - doing the same exact thing and expecting a different result.

>>"The mark of insanity - doing the same exact thing and expecting a different result."

So playing Lottery definitely qualifies for that.

I would say yes - But....   Sometimes you get that ticket and start dreaming a bit more.

Hello, 

I remind too, when you use too much memory you ll get this message...

"Your process consume too much memory It's time to have a break and take a coffee"..

I remind also why I get this message and how i solved it... (my fault 😉 )

manfredKlein
Member

My Boss told me to take over more responsibility and decide more on my own. Ok. We now have a bouncy castle in the conference hall.

manfredKlein
Member

My cat and me had some dispute about the armchair. After a short demonstration of authority this is now settled. Gosh! Cat claws hurt. The floor is hard.

manfredKlein
Member

Heard lately that coffee makes aggressive. There seems to be some truth in it. Had 15 beers yesterday and my wife had 3 coffee. Woah, she was really aggressive when I arrived home...

Here's one for the math geeks:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first mathematician orders a beer, the second mathematician orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter of a beer, and on it goes.

After a short while, the bartender interrupts them, pours two beers and says "You people really should know your limits."

Some more math:

How does a math guy lock in 40 sheep with only 4 meters of fence?

Forms a square and defines the outer as inner.

manfredKlein
Member

If you place your ear on the hot cooking plate, you can smell how completely nuts you are.

manfredKlein
Member

I'm looking forward to, when my daughter will have her driving license. I'll sit in the back and ask her questions. RELENTLESSLY.

manfredKlein
Member

I'm so lazy. I do not even watch sports.

manfredKlein
Member

Our little son wrote a wish list for Santa. To ease his job, he prioritized the wishes. Only all but one are marked with URGENT. Future management +1.

manfredKlein
Member

No joke. It's short before Christmas...

Season's greetings to all of You.

See You safe and sound, next year!!!

mcrapo
Member

Just read this one:

A man tells his doctor, He's addicted to Twitter.

The doctor tells the man "Sorry but I don't follow you...."

manfredKlein
Member

True story:

'C'mon, we're finished for today. Let's go for one or two beers!'

'Naaa, I can't.'

'C'mon, what's wrong with having one or two beers??'

'Shorry, can't do that. Can't have simply one or two beers. When I'm having beers I must have ALL the beers!'

manfredKlein
Member

A guy flies with a balloon through foggy air and lost orientation. Suddenly someone sitting on a computer appears behind an opened window. The guy asked: 'excuse me, where am I?' - 'You are in an air balloon.' - '*Sigh* You must be an IT guy. Providing absolute correct answers nobody can make use of.' - 'Yeah, and You must be management: Don't know where You are, don't know where You want to go and blame the IT.'

manfredKlein
Member

They say a schnapps shortens your live time by 5 minutes.

A cigarette by 10 minutes.

But really dangerous is a working day with ~8 hours.